Fighting fair with female friends

Women everywhere will attest to this: It’s great having girlfriends to confide in, but sometimes the emotional ups and downs makes you want to rethink female friendships forever. Men don't seem to struggle with this as much in their friendships with other men and are often puzzled about why women end up in conflict.

Women can find themselves in conflict with their female friends because they (generally) perceive things with more emotionality than men which drives them to resolve any disturbance in emotions. Essentially, it's because they don't like conflict that they must go through conflict.

Female friendships are worth fighting for, even if there are a few fights along the way. On the other side of conflict are two potential outcomes, depending on how you conduct yourself during it: A stronger relationship or the realization that this person isn’t the friend you thought she was.

Here are some ‘Do’s’ and ‘Don’ts’ to help you deal with conflict with other females (coincidentally, all of these are excellent tips for men fighting with women as well):

1. Don’t use inflammatory language

You can feel all the emotions that come with facing conflict (anger, rage, hurt, sadness etc) without leaking that energy on to the other person. Sarcasm, reactive comments, name calling, and words of judgment can leave emotional scars that lasts well beyond the disagreement. Dig deep and find ways of saying what you mean without employing pettiness or sarcasm and you’ll be grateful for the world of collateral damage this avoids.

2. Do speak plainly and openly

Few things are worse than passive-aggressive comments that only confuse the issue at hand. If this friendship is worth its salt, you should feel comfortable enough to tell your friend how you’re feeling without expecting her to decrypt code to get your point or read your mind. Trust that your friend cares enough to be able to withstand hearing how something she did affected you.

3. Do avoid bringing up past offences

Don’t get distracted by throwing past hurts in each other’s faces. If you are attempting to identify a pattern of behavior, make sure you approach this very carefully and weigh whether now is the appropriate time to broach this topic. In the heat of the moment, it may not be the best idea to bring this up especially if both ladies are feeling judged and sensitive.

4. Don’t assume that she’s trying to hurt you

When you’re upset, it is natural to start viewing words through a lens of hurt and assumption. As far as possible, try to remember that this is a friend whom you care for very deeply and who hopefully cares for you, and as such, would never deliberately go out of their way to hurt you. This should help dull some of the perceived arrows and darts being thrown long enough for you to see the real motivation behind the words. One healthy assumption that can be helpful in these situations is that you are both probably missing some information that is causing a misunderstanding or disagreement.

5. Don’t shut down

Ending a conversation abruptly because you are angry or becoming non-responsive only fuels the fire. Withdrawing can be selfish if the other person is genuinely trying to resolve the matter and you’re leaving them hanging without explanation. If you need time to gather your thoughts, just ask your friend for the time you need. If your friend resists your request for time, then you can politely decline to engage any further without it coming off as dismissive or rude.

6. Do Validate her feelings

All women have an innate need to be heard (that’s probably why they use 2 to 3 times more of a daily word count than men). If one of you is explaining her feelings, the one listening should avoid using phrases like “that’s not true” or “I don’t understand how you can feel like that”. This invalidation cuts deep and makes your friend feel like you don’t care about her feelings at all. Even if her feelings perplex you, try to find a way to acknowledge her feelings. Sometimes a simple “I didn’t know you felt that way” can go a long way.

7. Do Hold back unsolicited advice

If advice or opinions you may want to share have little to do with the issue at hand, now is not the time to throw it into the mix. If you really do think this is something you think your friend needs to know, once the dust settles, ask if she’s in a good place emotionally to receive some feedback or advice before you share it with her.

8. Do protect her dignity

The worse fear females have is broken trust. Especially when you’re the one she usually vents to about other friends. You don’t want to have to worry about one of those friends hearing about this argument and judging you accordingly. Venting to friends about other friends really does no justice to either of them as it exposes the friend you’re venting about and gives the other reasons to not respect this friend.

9. Do take responsibility for your role in the conflict

No one wants to walk away from an argument feeling blamed for the entire thing. Remember it takes two to tango, so keep your ego in check long enough to acknowledge your contribution to the issues and tell her so (even if she doesn’t do the same). You can still give and receive a genuine apology even if you’re still feeling a bit angry. Don’t hold back on apologies where needed because you think it's disingenuous when you’re still feeling all the feelings.

If you care about this friendship and believe it’s a good thing for both of you, then using the tips above, face conflict bravely knowing that you will make it through just fine if you engage from a place of love and respect.