21 days at the beach

They say it takes 21 days to form a new habit.

Today marks 21 days that I’ve been on a self-directed writing retreat on Seven Mile Beach. I have loved living at the beach and feel so privileged to be able to have enjoyed almost a month of sunsets and sparkling water (save for the Hurricane Delta week of storminess).

So, have I managed to form this new writing habit that I’ve so longed to have? Well, Sort of. I’ve set an ambitious target of 3000 words as a daily goal. I’ve set up a writing schedule and have hit my goal a few times but mostly find myself in the 2000 range. This tells me that a more realistic goal would have probably been 2000.

In any event, I feel like I have learned a lot of life lessons in this short amount of time. Here’s what I’ve noticed:

I forgot that I like to dream big (aka I like living at the beach)

I have always resisted letting myself dream about beachfront living because it always seemed so out of reach. One blessing of Covid is renting a spot on the beach for an extended time is much more accessible than it has ever been. The hospitality industry realizing the value of local patrons (and treating us a smidge better than the second-class citizens we used to be to them) is a welcomed by-product as well.

I learned that I don’t have to hold myself back from dreaming just because I think those dreams aren’t within my reach. If I only allow myself to dream about things within my reach, that is the invisible boundary that I will be limited to in life. It is ok to let my heart dream, with no judgments or limitations.

It also doesn’t take long to overcome the guilt of focusing on what you really want to be doing. I was a bit apprehensive about still having to tend to some work projects during this time, because I had convinced myself that all conditions during my time at the beach, needed to be perfect and available for my writing pursuits. But life isn’t like that. It ended up being a good thing that I had to still juggle a few things while developing my writing practice. It got even better once I let go of the expectations of how things ‘should’ be and just let them be instead.

I am sure there are so many other ways I’ve been unknowingly limiting myself which may come up while I’m here. (Watch this space!)

Writer’s Block doesn’t really exist

I know this is going to be a controversial one for writers who have ever felt the pain of being blocked. I understand that all too well. However, I will say that instead of it being a true block in the objective sense, I’ve come to understand that any block in life is tightly interwoven with our own insecurities.

When those insecurities arise, they can certainly cause us to block ourselves from writing. Perfectionism is a classic way that insecurity manifests itself. Nothing will prevent writing quicker than the mindset of “if I can’t do it perfectly, I’m not going to do it all”. The fear of being vulnerable enough to write a crappy first draft will hold us hostage.

Then as mentioned above, thinking that conditions have to be optimal to write is another delay tactic usually incited by fear. It has been said that writers should practice writing in a variety of settings to be able to dispel the myth that writing can only occur in a prescriptive way. That means getting out of your comfort zone and writing in noisy coffee shops, on planes, in trains and even on cranes (Look at me, making Dr. Seuss proud!).

I have realized the days the writing flows more easily are the days that I’m just focusing on quantity and not quality. Daring to let the chapters be crappy without putting them under the microscope of self-imposed judgment. Just getting thoughts and concepts down. Being a channel instead of thinking that these words are actually mine. When I release my ego’s need to attach its worth to the quality of writing, suddenly as if by magic, I am no longer blocked. That is because I never was blocked in the first place. I was just momentarily distracted by ego, which is always fear based.

The words are always there waiting to be captured and immortalized on the page. If you feel blocked, try to do a brain dump or morning pages session with the specific aim of exploring what fears we have around the act of writing. Once you can identify the fears, they will not seem as scary.

Oftentimes, we cause our own suffering

I used to be the president of the proverbial “Hustler’s Club” wearing ‘busyness’ as a badge of greatest pride. I realized awhile back that somewhere in my childhood, my brain got things confused about my worth, directly tying it to my performance. So the harder I worked, my subconscious convinced itself that meant I was more valuable and worthy. Even though I have done a lot of work to realise that I cannot do anything to earn value, that it is an inherent quality within us, this work/worth pattern still emerges anytime I set out to do anything accomplishment related. This may be why I struggled for months with whether to close one of my businesses during Covid even though the answer was blatantly obvious. Because if it 'failed', then I by extension, also failed.

Other entrepreneurs rallied, encouraging me to hustle harder and keep going. But I literally couldn’t go anymore – I had used up all my physical, emotional, mental and financial reserves trying to save a sinking ship. Then I looked at each of their [other entrepreneur friends] individual circumstances and realized that they all literally HAD to keep going. This was their only stream of income (if it can be called that because we all know most entrepreneurs don’t pay themselves properly. I certainly never did.) and I was in a completely different situation. Yet there I was, struggling and going against everything within me to make this work. When I didn’t even have to. Because my husband was (and is) running a perfectly viable company which provides for all our financial needs. I had gotten caught up in the addictive nature of the hustle. Man.

There are not enough mind-blown emojis available to accurately express how enlightened (and slightly dumb) I felt when I realized that I was causing myself all this anguish by holding on to something I didn’t have to. I finally see that this was not a failure, not in the least. I accomplished so much more than I ever envisaged when I started the company 4 years prior, and our community and people's lives were impacted positively because of it. In that sense and because I finally stood up for myself by letting go of something that I didn't have the passion or energy to do anymore, I count the entire experience as a double success.

Just because I can do it all, does not mean that I should

I temporarily lost my passion for creativity too as a result. The mention of the word ‘art’ made me cringe with stress. This is the danger of monetising every passion you have, it can end up just being victim to the ‘work-performance monster’ instead of the healthy outlet it used be.

Just because I have the ability to do many things, can see the gaps in markets or society, or just know that something will work doesn’t mean that I have to be the one to do it all. As a serial entrepreneur, it feels so foreign to see an opportunity or idea and not act on it. I'm learning to let it go, let it go (ha, ha now it's stuck in your head too!)

My husband recently said: “I think you’re really gifted with starting companies, but I am better at running them”. He then proceeded to thank me for starting our company that he runs, and in a rare moment of humility, I didn't feel insulted, nor did I react in typical oversensitive diva fashion. It was the first time I understood that I do not have to be amazing at every. single. thing (even though I know that I can be, I don’t have to waste time proving it). As a renaissance woman who was used to doing it all, this was startling but relieving at the same time. I finally gave myself permission to stay in my zone of genius (creating) and not put undue pressure to go against my natural strengths. See example: Christina trying to conquer mundane daily operations of businesses with no opportunity for play or creativity for years on end (shoot me now!). I’m still reveling in this newfound revelation. I am grateful for emotions as they usually help me see where I’m putting unnecessary expectations on myself and I am tempted to become the ‘one woman show’ again.

Now when people say that dreaded phrase “So what you have been doing now?” looking to be regaled with the latest adventures of the risk-taking, daredevil entrepreneur, it’s been strange but also strangely freeing to be able to say “Whatever the heck I want”.

Try as I may, I cannot help but share my blessings

This month was supposed to be mine, all mine. Free from distractions and other obligations. My own self-imposed isolation of sorts. But I knew I was not ever going to be able to do that. So it didn’t bother me when I found myself accepting requests from family and friends to come over to enjoy the beach and when I still had some outstanding work commitments that I couldn’t get out of.

And I haven't stopped doing content development for one client, because I figured a lot of that is creative and I enjoy it so it is not really in opposition to my creative retreat goals. I even c0-facilitated a one day ladies' retreat with some other strong female entrepreneurs during this time and now in the planning phase for future retreat offerings.

This place has served as a fun playground for my niece and nephew several times a week, a safe place of counsel and holding space for friends who have needed additional support this month, a rendezvous point for business meetings, a staycation opportunity for hubby and I on weekends, and a personal sanctuary and writer’s room for me during the week.

Lastly I learned that I can have all these freedoms I’ve experienced here in this space, if I shift my mind to seeing all that I have and understanding that wherever I am, I have all that I need.